There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
