Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
