whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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