Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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