We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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