My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
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