I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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