In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
