What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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