We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
