Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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