so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
