she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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