I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
