hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
