can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize