I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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