Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
