i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize