I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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