remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize