Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
