I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I have feelings that need drinking.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
