I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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