Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Randomize
