I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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