I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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