Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
