If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
it's great music for shaving your balls
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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