i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
you inspire me to be a worse person
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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