ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
this just has baby written all over it
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize