I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
we're so committed to being not committed
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
