all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize