can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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