I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
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