Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
