if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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