Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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