Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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