Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
