he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize