After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
did i walk over a car last night?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
