onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
The air was thick with penises
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize