i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
