she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
