Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
