I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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