Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
