My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
