Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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