She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
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