He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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