Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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