god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize