i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
