I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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