my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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