I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
