im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize