i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
