no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
She told me I should be a condom model.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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