he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Randomize
