Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
